A Journey of Rediscovery!
I witnessed it with my mother, I seen it with my family members, friends and before I had time to adapt to this beautiful transition, I too had found myself lost in MOTHERHOOD.
At its best it is rewarding, fulfilling, skillful, creating opportunities for you to grow and allows you to discover new limits, boundaries and patience you never thought you had.
However, among all of these and many other wonderful things, if you are not careful there is this smog that slowly creeps through the cracks of a yawn, seeps through the feeling of worry for your families, tip toes into the social expectations of what a mother is supposed to do and look like, and sits gently heavy on your shoulders, whispering the needs and desires of others that must be fulfilled.
Whilst down in the corner of the heart there lies an ache, a tear, a sorrow unattended that cries out ‘what about me?’ Whilst acknowledged for a minute, the smog reminds you not now, there isn’t enough time, your family need you, leave it-your stronger than you think, someone else will take care of that for you or a voice affirming the lie that is shared with many; that if you sacrifice what you want, your family will be much better off.
Almost every day I hear, read or speak to a mum who feels suffocated or lost in the smog. It appears that it is a place that most mothers find themselves in at some point of their mothering lives.
However, it would also seem that some mothers either avoid this awful experience or find their way out.
Well, I was that mother who was lost in the smog and I am that mother who has found a way out.
Growing up I was aware of this smog and the battle mothers had trying not to get smothered. However, I didn’t realise how easily, sneakily and quickly it could enter your life and hold you hostage, keep you blind and lost until I found myself in that very place.
It wasn’t until my second pregnancy that I felt and acknowledge that I too had reach that place, feeling tired, depressed and unfulfilled no matter how hard I tried to tell myself I was happy. This made me feel terrible as I, a mother was blessed to birth three beautiful children, mother a step son and had a loving supportive partner.
I also had a good career that I could easily exceed in, if I dared to choose. I had all the so call ingredients to be able to create this wonderful life but instead of enjoying what I had, I just felt frustrated and guilty.
Something needed to change!!!
I knew that deep in my heart but I continued living the same way regardless. However, it wasn’t long before I started to see my internal discomfort start to show up in my physical reality. I was facing challenges in my relationships with other, with my children, finances, my health, my environment and all the other ways my inner world came out to show me that I could no longer run nor hide.
I had no choice but to address what was inside as I could no longer justify living a life that I did not desire.
I remember the day I made the decision to live my life fully…
It was a damp and cold Saturday morning, my partner was out with my son and my girls were having a nap. The house was silent and I was just slumped on my cold brown leather sofa just staring into space. My mind was churning, I found it hard to focus, my mind felt hijacked- full of to do lists, worries and financial concerns.
It was in that moment I recall hearing a scream deep down in my soul…
STOP! I CAN NO LONGER LIVE THIS WAY AND I WILL NOT LIVE THIS WAY!
Acknowledging this voice and accepting that I could no longer stay in this place, in the smog, I felt a light switch on inside of me as I decided NOW was the time to make a change.
Very quickly after making this decision fear begun to set in, it prodded – how do I change my life when this is all I know, reminded me that this was what I have witnessed, affirmed that this was my blueprint.
But the light had been switch on and as much as the fear told me it was impossible, I somehow knew there was another way for me.
“But the light had been switch on…”
Hungry for change I started to seek out information on how to rediscover myself in motherhood. I read books, went to workshops, talked to other parents and watched numerous videos. I took whatever resonated with me and implemented them into my life.
I found ways to honour my self-care, seeked advise from professionals, I began to sit in silence, enjoying the sound of my own breathe (whether that was for 60 seconds or 10 minutes). I discovered, embraced and continue to find ways to clear the smog in my life.
At first I started to see small changes in my life. I felt a little better, I gained new perspective, I had more energy and things slowly started to look a little more clearer.
Although there were moments or even periods where I encountered blocks, fell of the wagon, regressing back to old habits and behaviours, I continued to get back on track, again and again, practising doing those things that had previously worked for me. Each time the blocks that would stop me in my growth became little bumps in the road.
Now is my road smooth? No, not yet! But the little bumps are less and much easier to overcome. As I learn more about the person I have become and remember the person I was, I step out of the smog and stand at the bottom of the staircase ready to elevate and to live the life of my dreams.
As I look around I am aware that more and more mothers are beginning to answer their inner call. Will you answer your inner calling today?
What will you do to rediscover yourself today?